Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
