I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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