well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
