He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
