i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
