So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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