why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I am naked and annoyed.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
