Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Randomize
