Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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