and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
