Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
