just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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