Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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