official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
