look no pants
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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