you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
