I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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