omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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