There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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