I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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