its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
