I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
