nut hugger
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I have aggressive nipples.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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