Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
