I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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