I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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