Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
