i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
