Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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