3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
