Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
