Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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