there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
