I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
