i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
