sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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