Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
