Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
