she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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