Pants 0. Shit 1.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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