sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
