Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
