you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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