i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
