even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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