Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
