i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
