Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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