I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
