I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
