evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
