Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm both gender and math confused
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